


Broken Down

by ALilyPea (alilypea)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-04
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2017-10-22 05:03:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alilypea/pseuds/ALilyPea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin has been broken down, torn apart and now understands "his place" in life. He knows the life he's meant to live. But can Arthur, Gwaine and Gwen convince him he's worth something more when he's being torn apart by someone who is supposed to want to love and protect him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Prologue

Valiant was not someone who lived up to his name, and Merlin wished he’d known this before he had fallen in love with him and moved into a one bedroom luxurious flat with him. He also wished that he lived up to his own name, as magical powers would go a long way in helping him out of the sticky situation he currently found himself in.

Huddling back against porcelain of the tub Merlin ignored the press of the faucet against his back and peered around the curtain at the door praying that it wouldn’t give in under Val’s weight.

“Merlin get the fuck out here,” his boyfriend yelled through the door before banging on it loudly enough to make him jump.

Merlin doesn’t even answer, any protests, any answer he could give caught in his throat as thought it was choking him, lodged there and incapacitating his vocal chords.

“You can’t hide in there forever Merlin,” Valiant’s voice was menacing, holding nothing but traces of threats, promises of punishments to come.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered hoarsely and the words spilt from his lips over and over like an uncorked bottle of champagne, blurring together as tears slipped down his cheeks and he bowed his head, pressing his forehead against his knee.

“I don’t care if you’re fucking sorry,” Valiant yelled before he banged on the door again and Merlin whimpered softly, unable to help himself as he did so, wood splintering before the door gave way and Valiant stormed in.

“No, please, don’t,” Merlin pled with him, shrinking back as Valiant grabbed for him, one large hand clamping around Merlin’s wrist before he was hauled up out of the tub and carried from the bathroom.

“You should have thought of this before you went out with that whore,” Valiant told him with a growl to his voice, wrestling Merlin onto the bed and securing his wrists with the ties there, ignoring his protests.

“Gwen is not a whore,” Merlin argued, his cheeks flushed and his eyes flashing for just a moment. He loved Gwen, she was kind and gentle which was precisely why he couldn’t tell her.

Valiant grabbed Merlin’s face, forcing him to look at him. “She is if I say she is,” he said, before his fist flew into Merlin’s ribs, bruising but not breaking. “Ten minutes for this Merlin.”

Merlin’s heart broke, and he arched away from Valiant in an effort to save himself from the inevitable pain. He wished he had known before that this would be his life, wished he could tell someone but the power of his fear was palatable and he couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else getting hurt by Valiant.

“Don’t you dare move away from me,” Valiant growled, his voice roughened with anger and his eyes seeming to glow in the dim light of their bedroom.

“Stop, please,” Merlin begged as Valiant began smacking him around in earnest, a fist to the ribs, to his hips, to his back as he twisted and turned in an effort to get away. He cried out as Valiant’s rings left marks on his skin, ripping into his flesh and leaving him desperate for any respite his lover might give him.

He pleaded and sobbed until his throat was hoarse, counting in his head, hoping for just ten minutes, hoping to get hit hard enough so that he could fade into darkness but Valiant despite his brutish ways would not hit him where anyone could see.

Sometimes Merlin wished he would, if only so that he wouldn’t have to try to work up the courage to tell someone. They would just see, and maybe they would call for help for him.

He closed his eyes as Valiant climbed off the bed and left the bedroom; slamming the door behind him he heard the apartment door slam a moment later and prayed for Valiant not to return that night.

“Stupid Merlin,” he muttered to himself, remembering better times, like when he had first met Valiant and found him charming.

He wished he could say the abuse was recent, but it had begun six months in right after they’d moved in together.

Merlin had fought at first of course, had even threatened to call the cops but Valiant had threatened his friends, threatened Will, his mother, Gwen, Arthur.

Arthur who was bright, golden and even though he was a prat he meant almost as much to Merlin as any family member.

There had been more than a few times when Merlin had thought of running to Arthur, for help, for solace but in the end he was ashamed even though Arthur had the money and likely the connections to make it all stop.

Merlin had come to understand though. He wasn’t worth it, wasn’t worth money spent and the friends who treated him like gold. He’d tried to be, had tried so hard to be what Valiant needed, learned to cook, to clean, to act right, to learn about the cutlery and the manners that were required of a spouse for someone of Valiant’s name and status.

But in the end he failed.

He was still a twenty-something nobody working in a shop that sold new age medicinal products and wasn’t good enough for all that he had been blessed with. He wasn’t high society, he wasn’t in Valiant’s league and certainly wasn’t in Arthur’s, and so he gave up, and became all that he knew he could be.

And Merlin, feeling hopeless and more than a little broken down in the view of a moon which seemed sadder than ever bowed his head and sobbed, finally.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin tries to continue his life after "the incident" but people are starting to notice something is wrong.

“You seem...different in some way,” Gwen commented before she took a sip of her tea a few days after what Merlin had dubbed ‘The Incident’ in his mind.’ “You’ve been acting strange for a little while now,” she told him, concern colouring her voice. “Is something going on?”

Merlin glanced up at her from beneath his bangs and shook his head, disagreeing with her and managing to get his hair out of his face. “No, nothing’s going on, I’ve just been really busy working, and helping out Valiant.” He managed not to flinch at the mention of his lover’s name even from his own lips and mentally patted himself on the back.

Gwen studied him intently, her eyes meeting his and Merlin had to forcefully resist the urge to swallow or look away. He had to resist the urge to break down and tell her about his life, about what was supposedly a blissful existence with a guy whom Merlin had heard many women call hot. Although they actually seemed more interested in his money rather than anything else, little did they know.

“I guess you are,” Gwen said slowly, although her gaze didn’t fall away from his. “I guess you’re still getting used to sharing your living space with someone else, right?” she asked him sunnily.

Merlin felt bile rise in his throat and swallowed quickly, plastering a smile on his face he nodded his head. “Right, I mean it’s been about a year and a half now but Val was away for much of that,” he explained, hating how easily the lie seemed to come to his lips, especially with Gwen. “We’ve only just finished unpacking and it’s still a lot to get used to with his job change and him being home a lot more lately. We’re still adjusting to each other in that sense I suppose.”

The bruises also had less time to heal before the next beating as well, but those were words he wouldn’t dare say out loud.

“I’d say; I mean, when Lance took that month off I almost went completely barmy. It was awful really, him being underfoot all the time, trying to help me with things he never wanted to before,” Gwen commented lightly and laughed. “He was getting into everything, although I do admit I was quite happy for the mornings when he decided that I deserved breakfast in bed.”

Envy stabbed at his nerves, making him want to tell her more than anything what his life was actually like and how lucky she had it. Jealousy made anger rear its ugly head and he found himself wanting to shout at her, wanting to tell her that he wished he had a boyfriend who would help him out with things, who would hold him and love him and tell him that he was everything in the world. He wanted someone like Lance...or Arthur who was brave and noble, as opposed to someone who would tie him to the bed and beat him savagely, who would try to crush his very spirit and choke his freedom.

With a quick glance at his watch Merlin ignored his shaking hand and and shot her a tight smile before he stood up. “I’d best be going, Gaius will be pretty angry if I’m late getting back to work, maybe we could meet up later this week?” he asked her.

Gwen rose as well, and kissed his cheek frowning as she did so. Merlin resisted the urge to flinch when her hand grasped at his wrist, and managed to paste a smile on his lips. “You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” she asked him, solemn eyes on his face.

Merlin nodded his head quickly, wanting to leave no room for questions being asked. “Of course I would, you’re my best friend Gwen, who else would I talk to if there was something wrong?” he asked her, kissing her cheek quickly he turned almost running into Arthur as he did so he stumbled slightly, almost dropping the coffee cup he had clutched in his hand. “Sorry there, Arthur. I’ll see you later okay? Both of you,” he told them, tossing the cup in the trash.

Arthur frowned, brow arched as he looked Merlin up and down. “Merlin, for God’s sake, slow down before you hurt yourself. Are you al-?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Merlin snapped without meaning to and an apology slid over his face before he took off toward Gaius’ shop almost at a run.

“He’s not all right,” Gwen commented in a soft voice to Arthur, as Merlin faded from their sight. Worry was written all over her face as she glanced from Merlin’s retreating back to Arthur’s face.

“Probably not getting laid enough,” Arthur snorted as he picked up Gwen’s discarded coffee and sipped before he made a face at the overly sugary taste and set it back down. He slumped down into a seat, and waited for Gwen to sit down.

Gwen rolled her eyes and shook her head, unsurprised at his attitude. Arthur was as thick as he was fit at times. “It’s not that,” she scolded him, exasperated. “Has he talked to you lately? Or Gwaine? Or Morgana?” she asked him.

Arthur shook his head, thinking to himself. “Not for about a month much, other than pub quiz nights and even then that overgrown ape he calls a boyfriend lurks over him like someone might snatch him away in a moment’s notice, disgusting really. Morgana said that she saw Merlin at the grocers last week while she was there with Leon and he was acting rather dodgy,” he admitted, worry beginning to sink in.

“Dodgy how?” Gwen asked him, suspicion written all over her face as she leaned forward, pressing one hand flat against the table.

“I don’t know,” Arthur replied, frustrated at well. “Like he didn’t want to be seen or he wasn’t supposed to be there,” he tapped his fingers against the table, anxious.

Gwen felt sickened, his stomach churning. “You don’t think,” she trailed off, not even wanting to finish the sentence.

“If this is some smart ass joke,” Arthur grumbled, catching the stricken look on her face he leaned in a little more and let out a huff, not wanting to even imagine what she was thinking even if he could see it written all over her face. “What? What are you thinking Guinevere?” he demanded.

“You don’t think Valiant is hurting him, do you?” Gwen asked in a faint voice, her eyes filled with tears. The thought of Merlin being abused, being hurt and the fact that he didn’t tell anyone made her heart ache.

“No, no, he wouldn’t,” Arthur refused, choking out the words. “Merlin wouldn’t stand for it,” but even as he uttered the words he thought of the haunted look he’d seen in Merlin’s eyes when he’d looked up at him and tried to shake it off.

Merlin was feisty, annoying at times but feisty. If Valiant lifted a hand to him he would...he would...

Arthur struggled with the thoughts invading his mind.

Merlin was not being abused. He couldn’t be.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin decides, despite Valiant's warnings to go out and have a little fun, but will he suffer the consequences of his actions?

“Merlin, just the person I was hoping to see,” Gwaine greeted his friend jovially, his arms friend wide as he did so, standing in the aisle of Gaius’ store.

“Oh?” Merlin asked, as he pivoted on one foot, turning to look at him, a clipboard clenched in his fingers and a pencil behind his ear for safekeeping.

Gwaine nodded his head and Merlin couldn’t help but smile a bit, because, in the end, he was truly happy to see his friend. Gwaine always had such a happy demeanor about him, much in the same way as Gwen only he was not without angst and had a temper to match his happiness. However Gwaine was as loyal and protective as they came.

“Of course,” Gwaine told him, assured him. “I was wondering if you would like to go see a movie tonight, something horribly, bloody terrible really. Like that new horror movie with the caves, I figure we could point, laugh and generally just have loads of fun. We could go to the pub after, maybe play some darts?”

Merlin almost nodded in agreement, eager to agree then froze with a shake of his head. “I can’t,” he murmured, looking down at the clipboard in mock concentration.

If Valiant got angry with him for hanging out with Gwen who Merlin certainly had no romantic feelings for Merlin could only imagine how he would feel about him hanging out with Gwaine who was gorgeous and for whom Valiant had very few warm feelings toward. Not that Valiant had warm feeling toward anyone, really.

“I can’t,” Merlin insisted when he saw the look on Gwaine’s face, feeling guilty for refusing, especially since Gwaine had been nothing but kind to him since they’d met in school.

“Why not? It’s just a bit of fun,” Gwaine said as he grasped Merlin’s shoulders with both hands and shook him lightly, a big grin on his face as he did so. He figured Merlin needed some fun, as Arthur had texted him something about problems with Valiant, he hadn’t read the whole thing of course but had headed out right away to cheer up his friend.

“Don’t,” Merlin snarled at him before he pushed him away, his eyes widened in fear as he stumbled and almost fell over a pile of cans. “I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately, ducking his head and shoving one hand into his pocket.

“Hey,” Gwaine adopted a soothing tone of voice immediately -- well, as soothing as he could manage -- and held up both hands, taking a step backward he found himself worrying. “I wouldn’t hurt you, you know, and you have nothing to be sorry for, I really shouldn’t have touched you.”

Merlin managed a smile and nodded his head. “I know, sorry. I guess I’m just a bit jumpy lately, I should get back to work,” he gestured to the clipboard and pulled the pencil down from behind his ear, turning partially away from Gwaine.

“C’mon Merlin, come to the movie with me please, no one else will go and even if someone else would it wouldn’t be nearly as fun as it is when you come,” Gwaine pleaded playfully, pouting and getting in his space, albeit a little more cautiously this time.

It only took a minute or two more of calculation on Merlin’s part; if it was an early film he could be home before Valiant would even know he went out, and it had been a while since he had been able to talk to and hang out with Gwaine.

“Very well,” Merlin agreed grudgingly, “I’m off at three,” he told Gwaine before he made a shooing motion with his hands as Gaius walked out from the back-room, clearly set on scolding Merlin for not doing his work.

Making his way out of the theatre about five hours later Merlin held his aching stomach as he laughed at Gwaine’s flailing impression of one of the blonde, no brained big breasted stars of the film, his mouth wide and his eyes even wider.

“Oh god,” Merlin hunched over, laughing even more. “The look on your face.”

Gwaine chuckled as he slung an arm around Merlin’s shoulders he dropped an affectionate kiss on his forehead, smiling a little more as he did so. It had been a while since the two of them had hung out without Valiant around and Gwaine and he certainly didn’t get along.

“I’m glad you came, you should get out more often,” Gwaine encouraged him.

Merlin’s smile fell away and he nodded his head, “yeah, I should shouldn’t I?” he asked him, arching an eyebrow. Worry began to nag at him as he looked at his watch, “I should get back home.”

“Why? Surely Valiant wouldn’t begrudge you a little fun?” Gwaine teased lightly. “Seriously though? Why are you so nervous?”

Merlin shook his head, stepping away from Gwaine, “no reason, no reason at all.”

“Is he...does he hurt you Merlin or tell us you can’t see us?” Gwaine asked him, having read the texts from Gwen and Arthur earlier, as well as his recall of experiences when he was younger and his mother had dated a rather violent man.

“No,” Merlin looked shocked, and allowed himself to be angry that these questions were being asked now. “Why the fuck would you even ask me that?” he shoved Gwaine’s hand away when his friend reached for him.

“Okay, okay I’m sorry, it was wrong of me, Val’s a stand up guy, just because he and I don’t get along doesn’t mean I should say bad things about him,” Gwaine held up his hands, surrendering for the moment.

“Now,” he tried to soothe Merlin. “What did you think about that one dumb bloke? The one who decided to go further into the cave remember the look on his face as he was dragged away?” Gwaine mimicked the face, even going so far as to lay down on the ground of a hill they were passing by and claw at the earth.

Anything to get that look out of Merlin’s eyes really.

Merlin walked into his flat humming as he did so he smiled at the thought of what a fun time he’d had, remembering he and Gwaine laughing at the vast explosions and pointless gore in the movie they’d seen and the many impressions afterward. He approached the answering machine which was flashing and pressed play, smiling just a bit when he heard the messages that followed.

“Hello Merlin, it’s Arthur. Was hoping you’d like to stop by the pub tonight, Leon and I should be here till about 10 or so, so don’t be a stranger. Been a while mate, I find I miss your ears.”

Merlin’s smile widened and he shook his head at Arthur’s message, rolling his eyes as the next one began to play.

“Hello pet, it’s Gwaine, as if you didn’t know. Thanks for seeing the movie with me, hope no one groped you on the Tube on the way back to your flat. Let me know you got in all right mate, you’ve been looking a bit peekish, anyway, you’re a cheap date but a good one.”

“Date was it? “A familiar voice sounded from the kitchen, practically growling and Merlin froze up immediately in response, letting out a soft gasp.

“Val,” Merlin breathed, turning to look at him slowly he flinched at the look on Valiant’s face. “It wasn’t like that, I-I promise, it was just a movie,” he fought to explain, backing up toward the door as he got a good look at him, and how angry he was. “You know how Gwaine is, he’s always joking around,” he felt scared to the core, as he tried to figure out some way out of this, feeling as though if Valiant got a hold of him this would be the worst beating yet.

“Yes, I do, I know how he is, bloody whore, just like you,” Valiant growled before he darted forward and grabbed Merlin before he could move again, slamming his back into the wall.

“No,” Merlin struggled to get away from him, kicking his legs out it wasn’t long before the wind was knocked out of him as Valiant hit him hard in the stomach. He wheezed, winded but didn’t stop struggling, remembering the concern expressed by Gwen, and Gwaine earlier.

“We’re worried for you Merlin, it’s not good to get all wrapped up in one person,” Gwaine had told him earlier, just before Merlin had left him to get on the Tube.

It wasn’t. This was where it led, to fear pulsing through his veins and a feeling of nausea at the thought of one day Valiant killing him.

“I’m not a whore,” Merlin forced out the words, anger flooding him before he cried out a moment later as Valiant’s fist slammed into his face, causing him to hunch over, his hands covering his face as blood spurted from his nose and a fist drove up into his ribs hard enough to send him tumbling to the ground.

He sobbed, trying to crawl away, almost choking on his own blood as Valiant’s feet got into the mix, still clad in well worn and well structured hard toed boots if the bruises he could feel forming on his abdomen were any indication.

Merlin lost track of time, as blow after blow rained down on him and he tried to protect himself by curling into a ball. He cried out, struggling just the slightest bit until one brutal hit sent him skittering to near unconsciousness.

He only barely registered Valiant’s harsh breathing, and the almost panicked note in his voice as he spoke next.

“Merlin, wake up, oh God,” he said, just before Merlin fell in deep his last thought was of the worried look on Gwaine’s face earlier, and how they had all been right. He would have laughed if he could.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin wakes up, and goes to the closest and only person he feels can help him.

Merlin opened his eyes sluggishly, one nearly swollen shut, pain careening into him mere moments later. It forced a gasp from his lips and he cringed.

“Oh god,” he choked out and just barely managed to sit up, almost vomiting at the feeling of his ribs grinding slightly and knew most likely that a few of them were broken. He froze suddenly a moment later as realization dawned, he couldn’t afford to get caught by Valiant.

Head tilted to the side Merlin ignored the blood which slid down his face nearly into his eye as he focused on trying to hear if Valiant was still in the apartment.

When he heard nothing, not even the telltale sound of Valiant snoring he opened his eyes once again and struggled to his feet, a cry of pure agonized pain escaping him as he slammed ribs first into the counter after having stumbled.

Merlin sobbed softly as he got a look at his reflection in the side of the toaster, feeling truly pitiful. “Fuck,” he muttered. The reflection was blurred but he could see enough of himself to know it was terrible, what he looked like and recalled Valiant’s panicked words just moments before he’d lost consciousness.

He’d almost killed him. His boyfriend had almost killed him. His boyfriend _thought_ he’d killed him. He intended to keep it that way.

It was a moment of brief triumph and he grinned as much as was possible for someone in so much pain.

Merlin stumbled for the door, almost tripping over his own feet in the process. He gasped for air and didn’t stop moving until he was at the Tube station and looked at the sign.

Two stops and he would be at Arthur’s. Five for Gwen. More for Gwaine.

He swiped his card and stepped through the turnstile; once down the steps, he tumbled into the train and into a seat, pulling his hood up. He curled in on himself for protection and hoped no one would talk to him.

It was hard to stay conscious, his vision blurring in and out occasionally. Luckily for him, people in London didn’t seem to want to check on bloodied strangers.

He stayed there, listening to the conductor’s voice, and blinked sluggishly, willing himself to stay awake even though all he wanted to do was sleep. He knew logically he had a concussion, but all he heard was someone’s voice calling him into darkness.

When the second stop was announced, Merlin managed to stand with the aid of the pole and made his way out the doors, stumbling again up the steps. He leaned against the wall of a pub once he was out in the fresh air and breathed in deeply, cringing at the feeling of pain in his side.

“You can do this,” he encouraged himself before taking one step and then another in the direction of Arthur’s apartment, not even sure what time it was. “You can survive.”

Arthur bolted upright, registering the buzzing sound which accompanied someone wanting into his flat. He shifted and lay back down, figuring it was some drunk prat or something. When it didn’t stop five minutes later, sounding almost as though someone was leaning on it, he got up and let whoever it was in.

“2 bloody am,” he muttered, standing in his kitchen. He waited for whoever it was to knock, figuring that it was drunken Gwaine or Morgana in one of her bitch-fests.

Either way, he was angry as hell and wasn’t going to let whoever it was go by without being griped at, possibly shouted at.

It was bloody rude to show up at someone’s door at 2 am after all, especially someone such as him who worked to all hours in the morning at times before making his way sluggishly home in order to sleep.

When the knock finally came, a good five or so minutes later, Arthur had worked himself into a good bit of anger and ripped open the door. Any words that might have spilled forth freezing on his tongue as he caught sight of Merlin.

Merlin, standing there, with what looked like blood on his gray hoodie, head bowed and holding himself. His left hand grasped his right side as though he was holding himself together, fingers twisted in the fabric while his right hand clutched his left shoulder.

“Merlin,” Arthur’s voice emerged from his throat, hoarse as though he’d not spoken in a week.

Merlin raised his head and Arthur’s stomach rolled at the sight of Merlin’s nose, crooked and bloody, and his right eye, swollen shut as though he’d been beaten severely.

He _had_ been beaten severely.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin choked out a moment later, and as Arthur watched a pristine tear trickle from Merlin’s undamaged left eye, anger and sadness swelled in him.

“Don’t be sorry, Merlin,” he said, before he reached out cautiously and grasped Merlin’s elbow, tugging him inside and closing and locking the door. “Who?”

Merlin looked into his eyes, and Arthur resisted the urge to gasp at the depth of sadness there. “Who do you think?”

Arthur didn’t even say the name, both of them knowing. He felt a fool for not having listened to Gwen more seriously, the thought of how much pain he could have saved his friend causing guilt to gnaw at him. “We need to get you help, a doctor or the hospital.”

Merlin turned and clutched at Arthur’s wrist with a desperate look on his face. “He will find me at a hospital, he knows my doctor. Arthur, you can’t,” he begged.

“Okay,” Arthur tried to be soothing, hoped he could be soothing. “It’ll be fine, you will be okay. I will figure something out, just come and sit down, okay?” He tried to guide Merlin into the living room and breathed a sigh of relief when his friend went willingly.

Once he got Merlin sitting down, he knelt in front of him just briefly, studying him.  “We should...wash you up a bit, I think,” Arthur said, wishing he’d paid attention in classes when they’d gone over basic first aid.

Merlin nodded his head but didn’t seem willing to talk.

“I’ll be right back, just...don’t leave, okay?” Arthur said in a firm but gentle tone of voice. He straightened and left the room, finding some clean dish towels courtesy of his housekeeper in the linen closet and a bowl which he filled with lukewarm water before returning.

Merlin looked up at him, such hope in his eyes. Arthur almost dropped the bowl, never having had anyone look at him like that before in his life.  He knelt back in front of him, pulling scissors out of his pocket.

“Now, I was thinking, we should get you out of that sweater, but I don’t want to hurt you,” Arthur began, his voice sounding strange to his own ears.

“You wanna cut it off?” Merlin choked out. Arthur had bought him that hoodie. It was his favourite.

Arthur nodded his head slowly. “I’ll buy you a new one,” he promised, tugging the hoodie very gently away from Merlin’s abdomen. “Don’t move, okay?” he instructed as he lifted the scissors.

Merlin nodded, indicating his understanding.

Arthur began cutting the hoodie, careful not to hurt Merlin in any way, even tugging at the fabric lightly. He breathed a sigh of relief when it was cut from bottom to neck and very gingerly removed it.

“Well, that’s done,” Arthur said in his normal tone of voice, “now can I wash you up a bit?”

“You don’t have to,” Merlin replied, hand shaking as he reached for the washcloth himself.

“I know, I mean I do,” Arthur stammered. “You’re my friend,” _I love you, you’re hurt_ , “I want to help you.” _I need to, I feel guilty, it’s my fault you’re hurt._

Merlin looked into his eyes for just a moment, but long enough to make Arthur nervous as he seemed to be searching for something before he nodded.

Arthur picked up the wash cloth and wrung it out before he gently began cleaning Merlin’s lips and chin, careful to not hit his nose in any manner as he was certain it was broken. When Merlin flinched away from him, his heart jumped into his throat just a bit but he didn’t say a word until Merlin’s face was fully clean.

“Your nose is broken,” he told Merlin as he nibbled on his bottom lip nervously.

“I know,” Merlin replied and shrugged with one shoulder. “I think one of my ribs is too.”

“Christ.” Arthur dropped his head into his hands for a moment, rubbing them over his face. “I could kill him.”

“No.” Merlin squeezed his shoulder, his grip surprisingly firm. “He’s not worth it.” The words seemed to surprise even him.

“You’re right,” Arthur mustered a smile. “We need to call someone...someone who knows more than I do...”

Merlin sighed, “Gaius?”

“Would he be awake?” Arthur asked before he realized how stupid that sounded and nodded. “Right, Gaius, I will call him, do you want to change?”

Merlin nodded then flushed, even beneath the bruises muddled along his face. “Would you help me? Standing is...well...hard.”

Arthur nodded, “absolutely. Be glad to help.” He offered Merlin a hand up and led him into the bedroom. In normal circumstances, this would be an embarrassing situation for him, given his attraction to Merlin, but right now all he cared about was getting Merlin taken care of and exacting his revenge.

He helped Merlin with his T-shirt first, glad he didn’t have to cut that off and cringed at the bruising along his friend’s side before he allowed Merlin to hold his shoulders, working him out of his jeans and then helped him sit.

“I’ll get you a T-shirt and pajama pants,” he told him before disappearing into his closet and emerged minutes later to help Merlin into the T-shirt and PJ pants carefully. “Do you want to lie down until Gaius gets here?”

Merlin nodded and made to get up.

“Oh no, don’t move,” Arthur stalled him with a gentle hand to his shoulder. “You can lie down here,” he told him.

“Oh, but this is your bed,” Merlin commented softly and Arthur wished to hear his friend’s former vitriol, the sarcasm and temperament that had made Arthur fall in love with him in the first place.

“Yes, I’m aware. I also know the guest bed is much less comfortable,” Arthur told him as he pulled back the covers and helped Merlin ease down into the bed. “I will just call Gaius, and then come sit with you. You can’t sleep okay?”

“I heard that was a myth,” Merlin commented, looking up at him with such need that Arthur felt like crawling into bed and holding him but resisted.

“I don’t care, just don’t sleep,” Arthur said before he left the room.

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment then opened them, not wanting to worry Arthur more than he already had. He couldn’t deny he felt safe though.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin gets taken care of and a plan develops.

When Gaius arrived he was quite surprised to find that Arthur did seem genuinely worried, and it was written all over his face. As long as he’d known the boy -- and that was quite while -- Arthur had been good at hiding his emotions, as a CEO for one of the largest advertising companies in London he’d made a living off being able to do so. 

“What is it? What’s happened? I rushed right over because you sounded...odd...on the phone. Arthur, if this is another one of your drunken bouts, or Gwaine being an idiot again-” Gaius warned him, his frown severe. 

“Gaius,” Arthur snapped without meaning to then took a deep breath. “It’s...Merlin,” he managed to get out, showing no remorse for having interrupted him. He gestured for Gaius to follow him into the bedroom and stopped just outside the door, turning to look at the older man. “It’s bad,” he warned him just before he opened the door and led him in. “Merlin,” he scolded immediately. “I told you not to sleep,” he approached the bed slowly, cautious.

Merlin’s eyes opened slowly and he nodded sluggishly. “Didn’t sleep.” 

“Good.” Arthur summoned a smile, albeit a small one even though worry was written all over his face.

Gaius began his work a moment later, checking the bruising on Merlin’s ribs first of all without asking any questions. “I have a salve that might help with the bruising,” he murmured taking a quick glance up at Arthur, “it won’t help with anything cracked or broken though.”

Arthur’s brow furrowed and he nodded his head, his mind racing. He didn’t want to draw attention to where Merlin was, understanding that it was better to keep Merlin out of Valiant’s path at all.

Merlin just nodded and winced every so often but didn’t say anything even as Arthur watched and worried. Guilt weighed in on him, for getting one of his best friends and his mentor involved in this situation. 

“It would be best for you to see a Doctor. I will leave a card for Arthur to call in the morning if that is all right,” Gaius muttered to him, a look of almost affection on his face.

“Okay, Gaius, thank you,” Merlin responded, grateful that no questions were being asked but knowing he could trust his mentor to keep quiet about what had happened to him.

Gaius nodded his head and turned to look at Arthur, a muscle in his jaw clenching as he did so. “Call if you should need anything else. You did a good job cleaning him up, Arthur.” There was anger in his eyes, and a sense of knowing.

Arthur jerked his head in an abrupt nod before he followed Gaius to the door and let him out, taking the time to make sure it was locked behind him. He leaned against the door for a moment, dragging his fingers through his hair he messed it up and fought to calm himself. 

There was something about the sight of Merlin looking so pale and vulnerable when Gaius had looked over his wounds that was now burned into his brain and he didn’t think it would fade anytime soon. His anger at Valiant certainly wouldn’t, as it ate at him and made him want to get his revenge for Merlin in a violent manner. But right now it wasn’t his revenge and his anger that mattered. It was Merlin.

He needed for Merlin to get better. As he walked back to the bedroom, he squared his shoulders and prepared himself for whatever might happen when he walked through the door. 

Merlin hunched over, face in cupped hands as he gasped and sobbed wasn’t quite what he had been expecting.

Arthur’s heart felt like it had been squeezed and his breath left him for a moment until he caught himself, and hurried over to the bed, perching on the bed he grasped Merlin’s hands gently in his.

“No,” Merlin moaned, trying to pull away. “Don’t.”

“It’s fine...you’re fine...” Arthur said, then swallowed heavily. Gently leaning in, he guided Merlin’s hands to his shoulders and carefully hugged his friend.

Merlin moaned again, sounding so pained that Arthur was tempted to let him go but wouldn’t, he couldn’t. He held Merlin close, and caressed dark hair until the shuddering motions turned to outright sobs. 

“I’m sorry,” Arthur whispered, his hand pressed flat in between Merlin’s shoulder blades, holding him close and allowing him to cry. “I won’t let you get hurt again.”

“You can’t,” Merlin murmured through gasping, pain filled breaths as his ribs ached from crying and he fought to calm himself. “Don’t want you hurt too.”

Arthur pulled back enough to look into Merlin’s eyes solidly, a frown painted on his lips. “I will not get hurt, and I will not let you go back to that useless waste of flesh,” he said vehemently. “You will stay here, where you are safe, until he is caught. No one will get to you without my say so.”

Merlin looked like he was filled with doubt but nodded his head. 

“Good, now rest, I’ll be right here if you need me.” Arthur slipped back into the armchair against the wall. 

“You need to sleep too,” Merlin protested. 

Arthur shook his head, “I’ll be fine. Just sleep.”

Merlin huffed out a sigh but nodded, relenting to Arthur’s demands, his breathing still ragged and his hands trembling lightly as he shifted down in the bed and closed his eyes. 

Arthur remained where he was, his mind working over what he had planned for Valiant he didn’t even realize a couple hours had passed until he registered Merlin staring at him and jumped slightly.

“What are you thinking about?” Merlin asked him, shifting he tugged the sheets further up over himself, fidgeting.

“You,” Arthur answered him honestly, “and him, and how much I want to get back at him for this, for doing this to you.”

Merlin shook his head, “please don’t.”

“Oh, so you’re going to go back to him are you?” Arthur asked him, angry at the thought of it. 

“No Arthur, I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Merlin replied, looking hurt at his tone of voice. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because Valiant is a horrible person.”

“I’m glad you realize that,” Arthur responded, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to go after him for what he did, despite what you might want, we’re not going to discuss it right now, you need more rest. The doctor will be coming tomorrow to look at you a little more than Gaius did.”

Merlin looked like he was going to protest, but really he wanted revenge against Valiant as much as anyone did. 

“I have an idea,” he said suddenly, his eyes alight so much so that Arthur couldn’t help but lean forward in interest, intent on knowing what exactly Merlin could have planned that would cause such a look to appear in his eyes.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drastic times call for drastic measures and Arthur will do ANYTHING to protect Merlin.

Arthur stepped back from the ambulance as the doors closed and the lights began flashing, his heart in his throat even as it beat more rapidly than ever before. He sucked in a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets in an attempt to maintain any semblance of control that he could manage.

He turned, and froze, spotting Valiant just down the road. He headed for his apartment, well aware of the taller man following him, the two of them met at the door.

“What’s happened? Is it Merlin?” Valiant asked, a panicked note in his voice that made Arthur want to do nothing more than punch him as hard as he could. “I heard he was staying here, since I was away on business...”

Arthur bit the inside of his lip, turning to Valiant he looked up at him, “he’s dead. I’m sorry Valiant, I know you cared for him.”

Valiant paled and stumbled backward, if he had been anyone else Arthur might have actually felt sorry for him.

“I’ve got to go,” Valiant managed to choke out, turning he practically ran in the opposite direction of Arthur’s apartment.

Arthur raised his hand to his mouth, “if you need anything please don’t hesitate to call,” he yelled after him, turning to unlock the door he opened it and smiled at Gwaine, Lance and Gwen who were all lurking in the entryway.

“Did it work?” Gwaine asked, rocking on his heels.

“Yes, it worked,” Arthur said, grin spreading across his face as he did so.

“Excellent,” Gwaine practically cackled with happiness, hugging all of his friends. “Off to Cornwall!”

“No,” Arthur told him, not even giving an indication of feeling remorse when Gwaine’s face dropped. “Merlin is going to be looked over by the best doctors in the country and then we are going to Cornwall to my father’s estate where he can recuperate without having to worry about anything except for a beautiful view.”

“But...but your father’s estate is huge,” Gwaine gesticulated.

“Arthur is right,” Lance stated, “if we want this to all seem normal...we have to act as though we have suffered a loss, and therefore need to be visible, until the police have sorted themselves and what they are going to do about Valiant.”

“Just like witness protection,” Gwen nodded her head, squeezing Gwaine’s shoulder.

“Now if you all don’t mind leaving, I’m going to go up to my flat and pack,” Arthur gestured, “the neighbours will be peaking out their doors any moment now.”

Gwaine continued to grumble, putting on a proper sad face as he headed for the door and left first, followed soon enough by Lance.

“Take good care of him alright Arthur?” Gwen asked in a soft voice. “He’s going to need lots of support.”

“I know Guinevere,” Arthur said in an exasperated voice. “I’m not that thick, I will take care of him,” he told her firmly and hugged her when she offered it to him.

Arthur went up into his flat, and picked up his phone, dialling an old school mate of his he dialed his friend. “Hello Percy.”

“Arthur,” Percy greeted, his voice filled with warmth. “Did he fall for it?” he asked.

“He did, now how long can we keep him from going to the police or hospital himself?” Arthur asked in reply.

“Oh don’t worry,” Percy told him, “I can stop him from going for a little while.”

“Good,” Arthur grinned, glad to have friends who were loyal and a bit higher up. “So you’ll question him then?”

“I’ll question him,” Percy confirmed. “Now you get back to taking care of Merlin, and I’ll get back to doing what i do best.”

“Excellent,” Arthur smiled to himself, hanging up the phone soon after. He headed to the hospital and within the week he and Merlin were on their way to Cornwall.

In the week that followed Arthur found himself more and more frustrated with the situation. While he didn’t mind being in Cornwall, waiting for answers from Percy or anyone who might be able to help put Valiant away.

It was with this desperation that he found himself putting a little more money and effort into the situation until Valiant was found with more than a little bit of contraband and arrested. The funniest thing about the whole situation had ended up being that Arthur hadn’t had to provide even an ounce of the drugs found in Merlin’s old apartment, as Valiant himself seemed to be quite the addict.

Arthur was sitting in the kitchen of the vacation home when Merlin walked in, his face darkened with anger that surprised him.

“Hi,” Arthur greeted him in a soft voice, cautious of angering Merlin further.

“Hello,” Merlin responded stiffly. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” Arthur asked, genuinely confused.

“Have you seen the paper today?” Merlin snapped at him, before he turned and tossed the entire newspaper at Arthur, pages fluttering to the floor soon after.

Arthur gaped, unsure where the anger was coming from. “I’ve been busy.”

“I noticed! You had him arrested?” Merlin practically flailed as his voice rose.

It was the only time Arthur had seen him angry in the two week following the attack and something loosened in him, but anger burned as well because clearly Merlin still cared for the bastard when he didn’t need to.

“He got himself arrested,” Arthur replied, picking up the papers. He looked at the front page, the image of Valiant in handcuffs, a disgraced man, and couldn’t help the smile that spread across his lips.

“Right,” Merlin spat sarcastically, angered. “I can take care of myself, Arthur. I don’t need you to fucking baby me.”

“Hey, I’m not babying you, he deserved it,” Arthur argued back, blue eyes sharp.

“No one deserves this.” Merlin gestured to the paper. “He was my boyfriend!” The words tore themselves from his throat.

“He was your abuser, why the fuck can’t you see that? Everyone else could,” Arthur yelled back before he could stop himself and froze at the look on Merlin’s face. “Merlin, oh God...I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that, let’s just...sit okay and we’ll talk this all out,” he reached out just briefly then let his hand drop, apologies written in his eyes.

Merlin visibly seemed to deflate, gaping at Arthur as he did so. They hadn’t discussed it, of course. It made sense, Arthur was doing this out of pity. It was all one big cosmic joke. He reached for his coat and pulled it on with shaking hands.

“Right then, I see,” he told Arthur. “I’ll leave.” He smiled weakly.

“I never said you had to,” Arthur told him, desperate to have him stay, to have him near.

Merlin shook his head. “It’s okay, I mean, he’s gone, you had him arrested. You did your job Arthur, behaved appropriately, protected the sad sack.” He left the house and closed the door behind him.

“Well shit,” Arthur said to the empty kitchen, warring with himself he turned toward the door intending to follow then stopped. “You shouldn’t...” He groaned. “You jealous prat, Pendragon, what the hell were you thinking? Why didn’t you talk to him about the plan before putting it into action?” he cursed himself, then slumped into one of the dining chairs.

“Maybe he’ll come back,” he offered himself, the words loud in the silence of his the room.

~

Merlin practically stumbled away from the house, feeling like every muscle, every bone in his body ached. Everyone knew. Everyone knew he’d been abused, according to Arthur.

It was humiliating. More humiliating in some ways than anything Valiant had ever said to him before and it hurt quite a bit more.

He felt angry with them too; they had known. They had known, and done nothing? It had occurred to him they might know, but to hear that all his friends had known for sure and nothing happened...they didn’t do anything until it got to this point.

As he walked, he swiped at his cheeks, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat which choked him and tugged the hood of his borrowed sweater up so no one could see him face as he hurried away from the house

He didn’t even know where to go, didn’t know where he could go. He couldn’t face any of his other friends, not if they all knew and was certain Arthur would have called them by now.

Merlin set out, stopping when he was hungry. He found a crumbled up bill in his pocket and grabbed a kebab, eating it quickly before he set out again.

“Oh, look who it is,” a voice said from behind him once he’d turned a corner which made him freeze. “I thought you were dead, Valiant will be so interested to know you’re not, seeing as he thinks he’s the one who offed you.”

Merlin swung around, “Cenred,” he took a step back immediately.

“We know what your little boyfriend did,” Cenred growled, stepping forward. “You can bet we’re not happy about it either.”

“I don’t know what you’re taking about,” Merlin feigned ignorance. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh, forgot Valiant so easily did you? All because of that blond whore,” Cenred smirked. “Valiant hasn’t forgotten about you. He’ll be so happy to know you’re okay.”

Merlin swallowed heavily; feeling sick, he took another step back and jerked out of Cenred’s way when the other man reached for him. Turning and running away, he ignored the threats that followed and the ache in his ribs.

He didn’t stop running until he was certain Cenred was gone and leaned into a wall, gasping for air. He leaned down, hands on his knees and could feel panic welling in him, choking him and leaving him without air at all, his vision becoming gray and his breathing ragged.

He dug his hand into the pocket of the hoody and pulled out the cell phone Arthur had forced upon him earlier in the week; pressing one, he held the phone to his ear.

“Merlin, are you okay?” Arthur asked the minute he’d picked up the phone.

“No,” Merlin replied, catching his breath a bit as every muscle in his body seemed to tremble and he had a hard time holding himself upright. “Cendred...”

“Did he hurt you?” Arthur practically shouted. “Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

Merlin looked around and managed to stammer out the area he was in, mentioning the alley way before his tremours forced him to a crouching position, his aching back pressed up against the wall. “Hurry please,” he said before hanging up and hunkered in on himself, ignoring the pain it caused as he fought to calm himself.

~

Arthur rushed out of the house and hurried to the car, getting in he practically ran over an old lady in his haste to get to Merlin. He skidded to a stop at the curb near the address Merlin had listed and hurried to find him. “Merlin,” he called softly, and sighed when he found his friend.

Merlin looked up at him, looking as pale as ever and a bit shocked. “Arthur,” he looked relieved.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” Arthur helped him up and guided him to to the car. Closing the door behind him, he took a moment to breathe, unable to believe how thankful he was that Merlin was okay as his hands shook momentarily and he got in. “I think we need to talk.”

“I do too,” Merlin admitted reluctantly. “Later, please.”

Arthur glanced over, and was stunned at how small Merlin seemed to be. There were moments since they’d met three years ago that Merlin seemed to be larger than life, and now to see him like this...

It was heartbreaking, to say the least.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is steadily learning how to heal and Arthur is learning how to put himself aside for another person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Contains talk of domestic abuse and the aftermath of that abuse.

Things became a bit better after that night, but Arthur decided due to the appearance of Cenred that it would be best to get back to London. 

To say that things became awkward after the incident that day would be an understatement. They didn’t talk about the blow-up that night, or the day after that, and the further it got from that moment where everything seemed to implode, the less Arthur felt like bringing it up. 

If Merlin wanted to avoid it, then so would he. 

“Hey,” Merlin greeted when Arthur walked into the flat one evening, far enough from the incident that he was healed but still emotionally...Arthur would hate to say fragile. 

“Hi,” Arthur nodded, feeling exhausted and a little irritable. It had been a long day. “Oh...” He stopped, realizing the flat was completely spotless. 

“Uhm.” Merlin rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly, shuffling from foot to foot. “I cleaned.”

Arthur laughed softly, and smiled at Merlin finding him adorable in that moment. “I can see that. You didn’t have to.”

Merlin shrugged his shoulders. “I felt like I had to, I’ve been...” He stopped talking and Arthur felt like coaxing him into continuing but couldn’t, couldn’t bring himself to do it. “I started dinner, I figured you might be hungry,” he said after a moment of silence between them. “You said you were in meetings all day.”

Arthur felt himself falling a little more and swallowed heavily, wanting to reach out, wanting to hug him or something. “Do I have enough time to take a quick shower?” 

“Of course, it’s just stir fry,” Merlin explained. “I was just about to put the rice in, so a good 20 minutes...”

Arthur nodded his head. “Thank you. I mean really, I don’t normally...I mean...” He felt awkward, and didn’t know what to say and wondered if all their interactions would end up like this, half finished sentences and moments where he didn’t know what to do. He shot Merlin a quick smile and headed for the bathroom, sighing once he was through the door. 

Dinner was set when he walked out dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and he pulled out a bottle of wine. “Would you like a glass?” he asked right before fetching two glasses from the cupboard. 

Merlin hesitated then nodded, sitting down across from Arthur at the small table. “Is it a good pairing?” There was a teasing lilt to his voice as he asked, which made Arthur smile. 

“You know I never paid attention to that kind of thing,” Arthur responded, sipping his wine before he picked up the black lacquered chopsticks Merlin had sat out and began eating. He was on his third bite, enjoying the dinner quite a bit, before he realized Merlin was watching him. “What is it?” he asked.

“Valiant didn’t know how to eat with chopsticks,” Merlin burst out, the words almost exploding from him. “He thought it was stupid that I liked non-English food.” 

Arthur shook his head. “That’s just further proof he is nothing but an arse.” He shot Merlin what he hoped would be an encouraging smile. 

Merlin nodded his head, looking momentarily miserable; he licked his lips and nibbled on his bottom lip for a moment. “I think I might talk to someone,” he murmured finally.

Arthur leaned in, nodding his head he rested his chin on his hand, having set down his chopsticks for a moment. “Are you talking about a professional?” he asked him.

Merlin nodded, “I just...I know I didn’t deserve that.” He looked down at the table. “I should have fought harder perhaps, but I didn’t...I didn’t deserve it.”

Unable to help himself, Arthur reached out and covered one of Merlin’s hands with his own and squeezed. “Merlin, please don’t say that.” 

“What? I could have, I could have told someone,” Merlin protested, looking amazed at Arthur’s offered comfort. 

“You did what you could, you were scared and no one can blame you for that,” Arthur told him firmly. “I don’t want to hear you put yourself down, you are a wonderful person and I will make sure you are okay. If you want to talk to me, you can talk to me; if you want to talk to a professional you can do that too, I will help you find one.”

Merlin smiled brightly at him, and nodded. “Thank you Arthur, but I must insist on paying rent.”

“I never discuss money at the dinner table, I’m not my father,” Arthur said as he picked up his chopsticks and began eating, dropping his food a few times. “I also plan on eating slow.” He couldn’t help but grin as Merlin laughed.

It was nice to hear again.

~

Merlin trudged out of his counselor’s appointment and shoved his hands deep in his pockets, trying to figure out how he felt about what they had talked about. The two of them had hashed out the details of the first time Valiant had hit him and it left him feeling uneasy and more than a little ashamed of himself. 

He wondered when it would go away, the feeling of embarrassment that he had been abused by someone he’d thought he loved. 

“Hey,” Arthur greeted, and Merlin started a bit at finding him there, sitting on a park bench not far from where he’d come. “I got you a tea.” He handed it to Merlin. 

Merlin looked down at the tea and then up at Arthur, wondering why all of a sudden he felt a bit like crying, as that generally wasn’t the typical response to a cuppa. “Thank you,” he said hoarsely. 

“You also forgot your hat.” Arthur pulled it out of his coat and put it on Merlin’s head, tugging it down over his ears. 

“Do you think I’m bad at taking care of myself?” Merlin couldn’t help but ask a moment later, just before he sipped his tea. 

Arthur looked stunned for a moment then nibbled on his bottom lip. “I don’t think you’re bad at it, no, but you can be forgetful. I mean, no one does a perfect job, right?”

Merlin nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He couldn’t help but feel like everything was connected, from being abused by Valiant to this moment. 

“Merlin.” Arthur stopped him from walking, a gentle hand pressed to his wrist. “Just because you want someone who will love you and take care of you doesn’t mean that you can’t take care of yourself.”

Merlin managed a small smile. “I know that logically.” 

“Logic and heart never match up, no matter what my father says,” Arthur told him as they began walking again. 

“Thank you for bringing me a tea and a hat,” Merlin said after they’d walked for a little while. 

“Well I figured...maybe you’d want to see a friendly face after your appointment,” Arthur explained, a funny look on his face as he did so. 

Merlin smiled at him, “I did like it, it was nice to see you there.” He glanced away, watching some kids kicking a football around. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know, but I want to; I don’t care if you don’t need me right now, but I want to be here in case you do,” Arthur elaborated, shooting him a small smile.

“That’s...wonderful.” Merlin couldn’t explain the feeling of warmth he felt right then, nor did he really want to. He ducked his head a bit, feeling almost shy he sipped his tea. “It’s getting late,” he told Arthur.

Arthur laughed softly. “Did the lights going on tell you that or the sun going out?” 

Merlin shoved him gently then waited wide eyed, unable to believe he had even touched Arthur. He was waiting for something to happen, for Arthur to get angry. Relief flooded him when the blond just laughed and shook his head. 

“Let’s get back to the flat,” Arthur decided a moment later. “We can get some take away on the way, you look tired and hungry.” 

Merlin appreciated the thought and nodded his head, following along behind Arthur. He was happy to find he barely looked around him, expecting Valiant to pop up at any moment. 

It wasn’t until later that evening that he realized how the conversation with his abuse counselor had affected him.

He laid in his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling as memories tormented him, made him scared to even move even though he knew Valiant couldn’t get to him. He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breathing, finding that he missed the comfort of Arthur’s bed, missed the scent of him and the feeling of being protected. 

When a knock came on the door, Merlin eyed it, suspicious and a little scared. What if it was Valiant? It was silly he knew, Arthur would never let him into the flat. The door opened and Merlin had never been more grateful to see Arthur.

“Everything okay? I’m about to head to bed,” Arthur told him with a small smile on his lips. His look turned to one of concern. “Are you okay?”

Merlin fought to paste a smile on his face and nodded. “Yes, just thinking.”

Arthur stepped into the room, and sat on the edge of the bed. “About?”

“Valiant,” Merlin said in a soft voice, almost whispering the words. “I don’t...I don’t want to be alone.” 

“You don’t have to, do you want me to stay here?” Arthur asked him. 

Merlin shook his head. “Can we go to your room?”

“Of course,” Arthur agreed. offering Merlin a hand up, he led him to his own room. “Pick a side.”

Merlin crawled in the bed on the left side, and closed his eyes. “Thank you for this, Arthur,” he murmured softly.

“It’s fine, just sleep,” Arthur responded, in an equally soft voice. 

Merlin nodded and snuggled down into the blanket; smiling to himself, he felt comforted by the feeling of Arthur’s warmth so close.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur wakes up, and realizes just how hard it is to resist someone like Merlin, who he cares deeply about. Merlin is hanging on, but still needs time to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Contains talk of the after-effects of domestic abuse.

Arthur awoke slowly; squinting at the bright light streaming in the bedroom window, he hugged Merlin just a bit tighter before relaxing. It felt good to have this, and if he closed his eyes, he could pretend that his best friend was actually his. His partner, his lover, and possibly even his soulmate.

He wasn’t though, and that weighed on Arthur quite heavily, almost as heavily as the way Merlin would randomly tense up before letting out a soft whining noise in his sleep. It was clear what he was dreaming about, and it was almost enough to make Arthur want to pay Valiant a visit and kick the shit out of him.

Sighing, Arthur forced himself to relax, pressing his head back against the pillow and enjoying the warmth of Merlin’s body against his.

If it was anyone but Merlin, Arthur would have kissed him already or done something. But he couldn’t; instead he found himself helping Merlin, trying to heal him.

Merlin stirred, his eyes opening and Arthur had to open his own just to look at him.

“Good morning,” Merlin murmured, his cheeks a bit pink as he pulled away from Arthur. “Sorry,” he said in a soft voice, eyes now lowered.

Arthur reached for him before he could move too far away, and gripped his shoulder gently. “It’s nothing to apologize for, you know I’m here for you,” he told him.

Merlin smiled and was back in his arms in a minute, hugging him. “Thank you, I know you are.”

Resisting the urge to suck in a sharp breath of air, Arthur closed his eyes and hugged Merlin back a bit tight. “You’re welcome, but really, it’s no problem.”

“It is though, you’ve been so kind, and I’ve been a bit of a basket case,” Merlin laughed a bit, but it came out sounding harsh rather than amused.

Arthur shook his head, “You’ve been wonderful.”

Merlin smiled a bit at him, biting his bottom lip. “I don’t remember you being this nice,” he confessed, then cleared his throat. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” he seemed to be hurrying to explain himself, and Arthur held his hand up to stop him.

“It’s okay, say what you want,” Arthur chuckled a bit, pushing himself into a sitting position; he leaned back against the headboard. “I wasn’t this nice before, but right now I think you need to get through without someone making fun of you for the size of your ears.”

Merlin laughed, and this time it didn’t sound brittle or fake. “You’re right, although I do miss a bit of that.”

“Oh excellent, so do I. Go get changed, big ears,” Arthur told him, the words sliding easily off his tongue, a smile on his face.

“Not your best, but I’ll take it,” Merlin responded with a smile, getting off the bed in a way that seemed reluctant. He stopped at the door, and looked over his shoulder at Arthur, “Thank you.”

Arthur didn’t say anything in reply, although he was tempted to toss a pillow at him for old time’s sake. He climbed off the bed slowly, sighing as he made his way to the bathroom. He showered quickly, then dressed before he made his way downstairs, surprised to find Merlin making breakfast.

“I thought I would help out, since you’ve been taking such good care of me,” Merlin explained, flipping the eggs in the pan. “Over easy right?”

Arthur observed him for a moment, concern creasing his brow. He wondered, was Merlin making his breakfast just because he could, or because Valiant’s abuse had rendered him feeling obligated to do so?

“I like over easy, that’s right,” Arthur said softly. Grabbing the paper, he poured a cup of coffee then sat. “You don’t have to make me breakfast you know,” his voice was extra soft now, even if he didn’t mean it to be. He watched Merlin, noticing the way Merlin’s shoulders tensed, and guilt instantly flooded him. “I don’t mind that you do, it’s kind of nice. It’s been awhile since anyone but me cooked my breakfast,” he saw Merlin relax at the words.

Merlin served him a plate of food in minutes, sliding into the seat across from him with his own plate. His shoulders were hunched, and his arm curled around the plate as though he was guarding it, and Arthur’s heart sank.

He fought with himself, watching Merlin every so often and trying to cover up the fact that he was getting more concerned by the second. “I was thinking,” he started, and then stopped.

“You were?” Merlin asked, a curious look on his face. Arthur resisted the urge to cringe, remembering a time when Merlin’s reply would’ve been, _‘I thought I smelled something burning.’ _“What about?”__

“I have to go out later today,” Arthur explained, “would you like to come with me?” He didn’t look at Merlin as he asked, not wanting to see any fear there, or any doubt. He just couldn’t handle it right then.

“Where would we go?” Merlin asked, setting his fork down as he leaned with his elbows on the table.

“I was thinking we could go visit Gwen. She wanted me to look over something for her,” Arthur explained; continuing to eat, he glanced up at Merlin just for a moment, resisting the urge to smile at the interest he saw there.

“She wants to see me?” Merlin sounded hopeful, and Arthur hurried to nod in reply.

“Of course,” Arthur replied, swallowing. “Why wouldn’t she want to see you?”

Merlin shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know, I guess…I don’t know.”

Arthur sighed; setting his fork and knife down as well, he reached over and grasped one of Merlin’s wrists, gently pulling Merlin’s arm down until he could slide his hand into Merlin’s and squeeze. Warmth stirred in his stomach, which he ignored in favour of comforting a friend.

“There is no reason, that I know of, which would result in Gwen not wanting to see you,” he told Merlin firmly, meeting his gaze easily for the first time since they’d sat down for breakfast. “There is no possible reason that any of our mutual friends, or even our non-mutual friends would not want to see you.”

Merlin managed a bit of a smile, and squeezed Arthur’s hand back as he nodded. “I wish I could believe you, but I do trust you.”

Arthur smiled back at him, those words meaning quite a lot to him. “I’m glad, I want you to trust me, so please trust me when I say that you are going to be welcomed with open, warm, clinging arms, just as Gwen always does. She won’t force you to talk, but she’ll probably babble, and she’ll never stop loving you. There is nothing you can do to stop that, short of killing someone, and even then if it was for the right reasons she’d help you hide the body.”

Laughing Merlin nodded his head, sliding his hand away from Arthur’s. “I will come with you then, as soon as I do the breakfast dishes.”

“No need, I’ll do them, you go shower,” Arthur said, “besides, I’ve not finished my food yet, so it’ll give me time to finish eating.” He shooed Merlin out of the kitchen with one hand, pointing toward the doorway.

Merlin stood up, seeming reluctant to do so. He lingered by his chair for a moment before he nodded and quickly made his way out of the room.

Arthur got up and scraped the rest of his breakfast into the food refuse bin, suddenly not feeling at all hungry.

Merlin wanted to serve him, and it was the last thing Arthur wanted.

He wanted Merlin to love him, and in a way that made Arthur feel guiltier. What if Merlin only did so out of pure obligation?


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur fumbles with his feelings, and makes a mess and Merlin is left holding the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient with me. <3

WARNING: Contains talk of abuse, as well as the aftermath of abuse. Potentially triggering. 

To say that Gwen was happy to see Merlin had been an understatement. Gleeful, excited...insanely bloody happy.

Anxious...was also one word that came to mind when Arthur recalled the way she’d thrown her arms around Merlin before apologizing over and over again and letting him go as though afraid she’d hurt him. 

Merlin though, Merlin had been completely breathtaking in a way he’d not been in a long time. A grin had lit up his face, and he’d tossed his head back in a laugh before grasping Gwen in a hug.

Arthur had never felt more jealous of Gwen in his life. He wanted to hold Merlin, for reasons other than comfort. Actually he wanted to do a hell of a lot more than that. At one point he just knew that holding him would not be enough.

He had grinned though, and drew Gwen into a hug himself, patting her back quickly before releasing her and had fought to ignore her knowing look. 

Now though, as he hung his coat by the door he couldn’t help but notice Merlin watching him. 

“What?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.

“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin responded, causing Arthur to almost fall over as he tried to get his left shoe off. 

“What?” Arthur squawked, amazed at Merlin’s level of obliviousness at times, even though he knew it was nothing but a defense mechanism. 

“I didn’t know you had feelings for Gwen,” Merlin repeated, an amused look on his face as he did so, licking his lips quickly.

Arthur, momentarily distracted, didn’t reply for a moment, entirely baffled by where this was going he squinted a bit. “I’m not one to go for women, Merlin,” he shook his head, amused. 

“But I’ve seen you date so many,” Merlin protested, confused now as he stared at Arthur, the two of them lingering in the entry hall. 

Arthur laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t think this is something we should be discussing right now,” he told Merlin, biting his bottom lip. “Or at all.” He turned and headed into the flat, proper, after hanging up his coat. 

Merlin frowned as he followed Arthur, confused by the entire conversation he nibbled on his bottom lip as he watched Arthur pour himself a glass of wine. “You don’t have to treat me the way you do, you know that,” he said, a sudden rush of anger taking him over. 

“What do you mean?” Arthur asked him, frowning back his brow furrowed as he sipped his wine, feeling like he had missed something gravely important. He knew of course, what Merlin was talking about but was uncertain if Merlin was aware how delicately Arthur attempted to treat him.

“I mean, I was abused Arthur,” Merlin’s tone was sharp, and Arthur couldn’t help but flinch. “But I am not going to get better, or feel better until everyone stops treating me like I’m going to break at every bloody turn.” 

Arthur set down his wine glass, “Then what do you want me to treat you like?” He crossed his arms over his chest, frowning. 

“I want you to be honest with me, I want you to tell me what you think you’re protecting me from,” Merlin replied, sounding almost spiteful, and Arthur had never been more relieved than in that moment, seeing him angry, and so alive. 

“I’m not trying to protect you from anything,” Arthur shook his head, almost wishing he could avoid this entire conversation as it exposed too much of him, things he wasn’t quite ready to say. 

“God, Arthur, that is such bullshit, after everything you’ve learned about me you’d think that you would actually be honest with me, if not yourself,” Merlin threw his hands in the air. 

“I like you, for God’s sake, I like you. I don’t like Gwen, it’s you, it’s always been you, Merlin,” Arthur replied fiercely downing the rest of his wine in one gulp. “It’s always been you, and you’ve been sleeping in my bed, and Heaven help me you cling you like a monkey or something in your sleep and it takes all of my control, not to just...” 

“To just what?” Merlin asked him, his voice shaking slightly and his eyes wide, and slightly shocked. “To just what, Arthur?”

“Kiss you, or hold you even closer,” Arthur poured himself another glass, shaking his head as he did so, “but it’s all an exercise in futility.” 

“Why, though, why me?” Merlin sat down at the small table and looked up at him, presumably still not taking it all in.

Arthur sighed, looking at his now best friend he realized that Merlin was incapable of understanding certain things, including his own self worth which caused an ache to grow in his chest. While Merlin did grow more confident each day it seemed like there was still a lot of work to be done. 

“Because you’re wonderful, just the way you are,” Arthur said simply, sipping from his glass his eyes were drawn to the floor and he ignored the heat in his cheeks. 

“Am I?” Merlin asked him, his voice cracking a little bit, eyes filled with emotion. “He didn’t think I was wonderful.” 

“No, but to be fair he was an abusive dick who wouldn’t know something good if it bit him on the arse,” Arthur replied simply, feeling triumphant when Merlin actually smiled. “I’m not asking you for anything, I’m just being honest with you, as you requested.” 

Merlin jerked his head in a nod, baffled by the honesty in Arthur’s voice. “I don’t know what to think,” he admitted shaking his head a little. “I really don’t right now, and I’m sorry.”

Arthur swallowed back the taste of defeat and jerked his head in a nod. “Of course not, and it’s fine. It was unfair of me to spring that on you like that, horrifically unfair actually.” He turned, picked up his drink and left the room, wondering if he would ever stop hating himself for turning Merlin’s world on it’s axis, or for leaving him behind.


	10. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin comes into his own, slowly returning to himself and Arthur is left wondering where he stands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has taken so long. I've been through some personal tragedies.

“You’re what?” Arthur couldn’t believe what he was hearing, as he stood in the kitchen of his flat with Merlin.

“I think I’m going to move into my own place,” Merlin repeated, tucking his hands in his back pockets he rocked on his heels lightly. He looked nervous, but at the same time more sure of himself than he had in quite some time.

It was probably the only thing that held Arthur back from protesting. But at the same time he couldn’t help but wonder if Merlin was doing this because he knew how Arthur felt about him.

He swallowed, rubbing his forehead as he tried to figure out what exactly his response should be, nibbling on his bottom lip. 

“Do you need help?” He decided on, and smiled as Merlin did. He’d missed seeing the full force of that smile, and blinked a little bit in surprise. 

“I’ll always take help from a friend,” Merlin told him, throwing his arms around Arthur in an exuberant hug, only hesitating after. “This is okay?”

Arthur laughed softly, wrapping his arms around Merlin he nodded his head. “This is more than okay.” He squeezed him a bit tight, rubbing his back in what he hoped was a soothing manner before he let him go. “You know, none of my friends hugged me before I met you,” he commented lightly as they pulled apart.

“Really?” Merlin asked him, hands sliding back into his pockets as though he didn’t quite know what to do with them. 

Arthur chuckled, “I was Arthur Pendragon, I had certain…ideals to uphold,” he rolled his eyes at the thought now. 

He still couldn’t help but wonder though, if this was his fault. 

Merlin shook his head, clearly amused he nibbled on his bottom lip, clearly picking on what it was that Arthur was feeling at that moment. 

“It’s not you, Arthur, I promise,” He told him, looking a little more amused when Arthur blushed.

He just couldn’t help himself, that was all. There was something about Merlin that made him feel vulnerable. 

But he wasn’t going to push, he wasn’t going to ask Merlin to stay like he wanted to, even if the words were on the tip of his tongue because he knew that would be wrong.

He had to let his friend progress at the pace he needed in order to be healthy.

“You promise?” And since when had his voice ever sounded so hoarse. He cleared his throat quickly and flashed a quick smile Arthur’s way. 

Merlin nodded his head and crowded into Arthur’s space once again, dropping a kiss on his cheek he smiled just a little bit. 

“I promise that it’s not you, it’s just me learning how to be alone again, without someone there to chase away the monsters. I won’t even be living that far,” Merlin explained, dragging his fingers through his hair he looked at Arthur, expression earnest.

Arthur smiled back, unable to help himself.

This was his Merlin, he thought. Someone who was earnest and honest, and whose smile was bright like sunshine and made him think of summer days and picnics. 

“Well then I’ll just have to help you find any flat in London you could ever want, I’ve got contacts, it’s time I used them for someone else’s benefit,” he told his friend, grasping his shoulder and squeezing just briefly as he did so.

Merlin smiled again, seeming unsurprised at Arthur’s helpfulness. “Thanks for your help,” he said softly, with no hesitance. 

“Least I could do,” Arthur replied, grabbing his laptop as they headed into the living room to plan. 

~

“God Merlin, this flat is even better than Arthur’s,” Morgana commented as she took a turn in the large kitchen. 

Merlin beamed at her, hanging her coat up he shrugged his shoulders. “Arthur helped me find it.” 

Morgana looked at her brother and Arthur pursed his lips, biting back any comment he might have. 

“You picked it out,” Morgana said slowly, shaking her head she turned to Merlin and smiled at him. “Well I can see you in it, Merlin, it’s absolutely beautiful. I love the artwork.” 

Merlin bobbed his head in a nod as he led her into the living room, which was pure Merlin. The walls warmly painted a light brown, the couch overstuffed and meant for lounging. 

Arthur fought to keep himself from picturing what his life would be like if he lived somewhere like this with Merlin, even as his sister grabbed his wrist hard when Merlin left to answer the door.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed, eyes bright and glaring.

“Ow,” Arthur said sharply, before he pulled himself away from her talons and rubbed. “I’m not doing anything.”

Morgana shook her head, hair sliding out of the loose knot she’d captured it in as she pinned him with a stare. “You found him this apartment,” she whispered, as loud as anyone could. 

“Yes, and I don’t get what’s so wrong with that,” Arthur replied, hushing his voice. 

“You bought him a place that you might want to live with him in one day,” Morgana responded, shaking her head. “You’re unbelievable you know that? You’re going to get yourself hurt, or him.”

Arthur sighed, rubbing a hand over his face he shook his head quickly. “He knows how I feel about him.”

Morgana turned again, whipping around so hard Arthur was almost shocked she didn’t injure herself. “You what?” 

Arthur groaned crossing his arms over his chest. “I am not going into this with you right now but he knows how I feel, and he’s fine. I’m fine. We’re friends.” 

Morgana gaped at him, “I didn’t think you had it in you, well done brother. And well done again for keeping your patience about you.” 

Arthur rolled his eyes, wanting to tell her that it wasn’t necessarily patience. It was his understanding that kept him from pushing too hard with Merlin.

He understood perfectly that if he pushed too hard, Merlin wouldn’t stay in his life, as a friend or anything else. And that was unacceptable.

Gwen entered the room soon after and Arthur pasted a smile on his face as he watched his sister hug her lifelong friend and Merlin settle in on the couch next to him as the flat was flooded with their friends.

It had been so long since they had all been together. It had been even longer since he’d seen Merlin in a crowd, one where he flourished and smiled, laughed and told stories, teased and enjoyed the night. 

He was healing, and Arthur couldn’t be more proud. But he hated himself, for just a moment, as he realized that Merlin might not need him at all. 

And that left him wondering, about himself, about Merlin and what it would mean for his future. And how he could be so selfish.

After all this was Merlin at his most beautiful, and Arthur was certainly fine when it came to watching from afar.


End file.
